Shiver
by loulou777
Summary: The early onset of a freezing New York winter threatens Alec's life as Jace struggles to deal with the consequences of recent events. Set a few weeks after the season 2 finale.
1. Chapter 1

Jace hated patrolling in the snow he decided. It was particularly cold for November and he hugged himself close to conserve his dwindling warmth as he and Alec trudged the banks of the Hudson under the twilight. Even the waters edge was frozen over, he noted, blurring the boundary between land and water where the level was the same. It was freezing. He'd left his comfortable black leather jacket in his room in favour of a thick khaki padded coat that in hindsight would probably restrict his movement if he needed to fight, but he couldn't bring himself to regret the decision at the moment. Their breaths billowed out like mist into the icy night, boots leaving black gaping footprints in the pristine blanket of white that stretched out all around them. The Brooklyn bridge was not too far in the distance and looked beautiful rising up from the snowy landscape, the majesty of winter always a great leveller hiding the sins of the land beneath.

Jace wasn't in the mood to appreciate it at this precise moment though. The bleak cold of the early New York winter was seeping into his bones despite the fifty layers of clothes he was wearing as well as the heat rune he'd activated before they'd left the institute. No, he thought, this was so not fun. He would much rather be tucked up in bed, curled protectively around a certain redheaded Shadowhunter, nestled in her warmth. But that wasn't an option at the moment. He'd taken to avoiding her as much as possible over the last few weeks since the nightmares had started after his miraculous resurrection. It was for that reason that he had willingly volunteered both himself and Alec to go and check out the demon sighting that was supposed to be somewhere around here, but had yet to reveal itself. It had definitely not been worth their effort so far he thought miserably. His toes were starting to go numb and he swore they were going to drop off if they didn't call it a night soon.

Alec on the other hand didn't seem to mind. Jace had earlier seen him stealing glances at the top of Magnus' red brick apartment block that had been visible in the distance, a smile ghosting his face when he thought Jace wasn't looking. Jace had actually thought he'd seen the High Warlock of Brooklyn himself at one point out on the terrace of his loft apartment, surveying his lands like a king. But it wasn't that close and could have just been the cold messing with his mind.

Jace was relieved that Alec and Magnus had settled their differences. Feeling Alec's misery pulsing through their bond had not been fun, though Alec had remained the consummate professional as the Head of the Institute not willing to let it disrupt his job. However Jace knew it had been wearing him down.

He was perfectly happy now though. Jace studied his face discreetly. It radiated a warm healthy glow despite the cold, a true reflection of his inner most feelings. Delicate wisps of snowflakes drifted down landing momentarily on his black hair before melting to nothing, making it damp like Jace's own, but Alec didn't seem to notice, or care. He was content, Jace thought. He absently, wondered why his own misery at his self imposed distancing from Clary, which was the hardest thing he'd ever done, didn't seem to register with Alec. There were always consequences of bringing people back from the dead his thought and this recent effect on their parabatai bond seemed to be one of them. He quickly pushed the bad memories of Lake Lyn to the back of his mind. He really didn't want to think about that at the moment.

"OK, this officially sucks" he said to Alec hugging himself tighter.

"It's not that bad Jace. Besides you were keen enough to come earlier. I thought you might have preferred some 'Clary time' instead", Alec replied raising his hands to air quote like mundanes liked to. He'd obviously been watching too much trash TV with Magnus lately.

Jace raised his eyebrows at the un-Alec like gesture and smiled finally. "Don't give me the air bunnies. She was meeting Simon" he lied.

"Everything OK with you two?" Alec asked looking directly at him thoughtfully.

"Yeah fine." He hated lying to Alec but he wouldn't burden him with this, whatever it was.

"What about you. You and Magnus back on track now?" he said turning the attention away from himself. Alec paused, then took the bait clearly trying to keep the Cheshire cat size grin, that wanted out, down to a subtle smile. It was good to see him like this. He'd repressed his desires and feelings his whole life, doing and acting as their parents had expected him to as they tried to mould him into what they thought was the perfect son. But now he was finally happy with himself and the way he was living his life – as long as Magnus was in it, that was. He totally deserved this.

"We talked". He said coming to a stop. "There's still a lot to sort through. But yeah, its good".

"I'm glad" Jace said sincerely. "Besides I couldn't have taken the soulful eyes from the both of you for much longer" he added joking, patting Alec's arm affectionately. "You heading straight there after were done?" Jace said hoping to spur Alec on to end their little escapade for the night as soon as possible.

"Yeah. Let's just finish up this stretch and call it a night shall we?" Alec replied.

"No argument from me" Jace said thankfully.

...

They wandered on in silence to where the bank dipped slightly and a woman's low screech caught their attention. They stared in the direction of the noise, on edge now and readied their weapons before continuing on, quickly creeping the last 100 yards. They found the source around the side of a small wooden hut sat on the very edge of the river bank.

At first Jace thought they'd stumbled on an amorous mundane couple who were making out feverishly, but just as Jace was about to lower his guard the dark haired man tipped his head back bearing blooded fangs up to the dark sky - vampire. The girl he'd been feeding on only looked young, maybe late teens. There was blood oozing down the side of her neck from the ragged puncture wounds and it was a stark contrast to her white knitted hat. She didn't look scared. She was likely dazed from the euphoria of the vampires venom and or maybe blood loss.

A look from Alec told him they were on the same page as he prepared to approach. He knew Alec couldn't fire off an arrow with the girl so close and he moved forward stalking the vamp, his footsteps silent now under his careful footing. As he got close he rested the sharp point of his seraph blade between the vampires shoulders to gain his attention making a small tear in the plaid fabric of his shirt. The angelic runes running the length of the blade glowed magically in the dim light, the threat to run it through left hanging in the air. The vampire tensed and froze.

"Let the mundane go" he ordered his voice even and confident. Alec was stood close backing him up with his bow raised, the string taut against his chin, the vampire dead in his sight.

"Shadowhunters" the vampire spit out, the loathing clear in his voice. It turned its head slowly to get a look at them. "I should have smelled your filth coming". The girl looked confused at what was happening unable to see past his and Alec's glamour, not realising they were there.

"What did you say" she drawled thinking the vampire was talking to her.

"This is not how we behave in New York _vampire_ " Jace chided as if talking to a child. "Now let her go before we all see how good you look with a hole through your chest."

The vamp raised his hands slightly defensive. "OK. OK, I'll let her GO." He punctuated the last word as he suddenly thrust the girl forward with supernatural strength and speed toward the edge of the bank. She screamed out as she toppled off the edge of the snow covered path onto the fragile frozen surface of the waters edge.

Jace slashed out at the vampire seeing Alec flash by his periphery toward the mundane. The vampire was laughing dodging his blade like he was dancing, taunting him.

"What, I let her go didn't I. Isn't that what you wanted _shadowhunter_ ". He said the last with pure venom in his tone.

He was starting to piss Jace off pushing his eyes to glow gold as he instinctively activated more runes beneath his jacket. He felt energised from the effect and leapt from the ground gracefully to flip over the top of the vampire, powered by his speed and agility runes, to land behind it taking it by surprise. He whipped his seraph blade across its back to leave a long bloody diagonal slash. It turned baring its fangs to roar in pain and anger, then suddenly darted off away from them into the night, accepting defeat. Jace was about to give chase when he heard the girl scream again.

Unable to see Alec she stepped back at his touch further onto the ice startled by the sounds of the cracks appearing like a spiders web where she stood whimpering as tears fell down her cheeks. Suddenly the cracks began to deepen under her feet, eliciting another useless plea from Alec. She couldn't hear him.

"Please stop, don't move. You're going to fall in". The girl was panicking though and continued to move away, the dull crunching of ice piercing the night as it started to give way. Alec stepped out at speed before it was too late grasping her hand as she screamed tugging her back with great effort towards the bank and safety.

"Alec no" Jace shouted rushing forward, catching the mundane against his chest and falling to his knees as Alec let her go. She struggled trying to free herself from what she must have thought an invisible attacker, her continued screams deafening in his ears. He pushed her away quickly and she stumbled up running off. Time seemed slow down around him as he picked himself up to stand as close to he edge as possible reaching for his brother, every second counting.

"Jace" Alec called out desperately as the ice gave way under his feet, a terrified look in his eyes.

Jace reached out touching Alec's hand as he dropped into the freezing water, only narrowly failing to grasp hold of him. "No" he pleaded into the night watching in disbelief. The shock of the ice cold water registered on Alec's face clearly taking his breath away as it bubbled around his mouth and he gasped, desperately choking in a lungful of the filthy water. His hands flailing uselessly as Jace tried to reach for him before he disappeared under it black surface, no longer visible.


	2. Chapter 2

Jace dropped to the ground driving his arm past the broken pieces of ice that bobbed frantically in the gaping hole where Alec had fallen through, stretching out further than was probably safe. The freezing water was so cold on his skin it hurt and his muscles cramped painfully as it quickly soaked into the fabric of his sleeve making him gasp. His heart was pounding in his chest as he searched the water, anguish sinking into his very soul, but Alec was no longer there. By the angel if he'd drifted under the ice he wouldn't be able to breath he thought. Panic threatened to consume him but he pushed on against it his body moving instinctively, no time to think. He needed to break the ice. He would jump in after him if needed, though somewhere in the back of his mind he knew it would be the stupidest thing he could do, but it was hard to tell that to his heart at the moment .

"Alec" he screamed at the top of his voice. "No, no, no". _This couldn't be happening_ , he thought.

He grabbed his seraph blade up from the snow not remembering when he'd even dropped it, and turning it over slammed the hilt with all his strength against the surface of the ice moving along in the direction of the current. He searched the water desperately with his free hand, his fingers completely numb, coming up empty every time. Minutes must have past by now but it felt like hours. Precious minutes that Alec wouldn't be able to breath. But it was useless.

He voice had quickly grown hoarse from continually screaming Alec's name and he couldn't see anything through the blackness of the water to know if he was even remotely searching in the right spot. A panic like he'd never known took over his entire body and his hands had begun to shake. He didn't know if it was from the cold or the rapid influx of adrenalin that was surging through his body pushing him to do what ever it took to save his brother. Instinctively responding to his stress he felt the burn of every rune activating across his skin in succession. The effect was immediate bringing clarity, calming him slightly. He'd have to go in. Unlikely as it was that he'd succeed, there was no other option now.

He dragged his coat and jumper off with numb fingers, the process taking him far too long as he fumbled with the zip, his hands no longer working after being submerged in the freezing water. The clothes would only weigh him down, he thought logically, barely registering the cold air as he let them drop to the snow. The slight icy wind whipped at his face as he stood about to jump through the shattered remains of the ice and in that microsecond of hesitation, he saw him. He was certain of it. Alec was just a little further down the river where the ice receded to almost nothing, his apparent movement down stream halted by several moored boats.

"Alec" He whispered into the night, taking off immediately to intercept him and as he came close there was no doubt. Momentary relief flooded through him as he reached out to drag him out of the water. But Alec was face down unmoving, except for the tide pushing his body to butt periodically into the white hull of the moored vessel.

It took all of his strength to heave him out of the water. His body was a dead weight from his freezing sopping wet clothes, but he turned him over quickly feeling for a pulse. "Please be OK, please be OK" he whispered, repeating the mantra over and over willing it to be true. But he could feel nothing.

Alec's face was deathly pale, his dark wet lashes stuck to his cheeks and lips tinged with blue. Only now he noticed that his parabatai rune was burning beneath his clothes, a painful ache radiating out across his abdomen. He didn't dare look at it. Besides there was just no time. Pure dread wrenched through his gut. Oh god is this how it felt for Alec when he himself had died only a few weeks earlier.

"No, please don't do this to me" he pleaded with his brother. He instinctively ripped Alec's jacket open so he could start CPR and squeezing Alec's nose closed, he pushed life giving oxygen into his lungs. He quickly moved over to Alec's chest clasping his hands on his breast bone and began pushing down firmly in rapid succession to pump the blood around his body. The movement forced dirty water out of Alec's mouth with each compression and it spilled down the side of his face and neck melting the snow beneath as it dripped to the ground.

"Come on Alec" He encouraged as he repeated the rescue breaths. It was so surreal. _This couldn't be happening_ he thought again. He continued for several minutes, five, ten, he didn't know and something in Alec's chest gave way as several ribs cracked under the force of his hands. He was hurting his brother and it made him feel sick to his stomach. But he didn't stop. Alec had shown absolutely no sign of responding.

"Come on Alec please. Please don't do this to me". His heart felt like it was splitting into a thousand pieces and he didn't even notice as tears dripped from his face to splash on the backs of his hands as he continued.

"Please Alec come on. Please" he begged, gasping in air as he began to sob. He arms felt exhausted as his muscles began to burn but he would never stop. He couldn't let him go. He wouldn't. And then suddenly there was a slight choking noise.

Alec was moving, his throat instinctively gagging on the water that still remained inside, trying to eject it from his lungs. He started to splutter, choking on the water in his mouth as he coughed it up and Jace reacted immediately pushing Alec onto his side so the water could drain out.

"That's it come on, get it all out, you're ok. It's ok. You're ok" he said reassuring them both, squeezing Alec's shoulder for comfort. Alec continued to cough for a minute and then stilled as his agitated lungs began to settle.

The burning from his parabatai rune had subsided and he briefly pulled up the grey t-shirt and vest he was wearing to see it still there, jet black as it always was. Relieved beyond comprehension he sunk back to sit on the cold ground, without losing contact with Alec as the snow crunched loudly beneath him. Breathing heavily he held his fist to his mouth to quench the sobs that wanted to consume him and gave himself just a moment to catch his breath before trying to compose himself. Alec still needed him.

Alec's eyelids were fluttering as he started to open his eyes, waking up. He was breathing in small gulps of air in quick succession as his body tried to get much needed oxygen to his brain. But he _was_ breathing. Unfocused, confused eyes settled on Jace's face.

"It's ok, just breath for me ok. Just keeping breathing. In and out."

"Jace" he croaked, the words barely perceptible. "Ccold".

At Alec's words his own body suddenly seemed to realise the same thing. He was freezing without his coat and jumper on despite his recent exertion which meant Alec must being feeling hypothermic. The shaking was imperceptible at first but Alec's body was quickly becoming wracked with harsh shivers. He needed to get the wet things off him before he froze to death.

"I'll be back in a second" he promised stroking back Alec's wet hair that was plastered to his forehead. Then he ran to retrieve his coat and jumper laying a short distance away. He was back in seconds sliding back to ground next to Alec who hadn't moved save for the incessant shaking. He lifted him up to lean against his own chest pulling the soaked heavy jacket off his shoulders. Alec's limbs were completely limp and he offered no resistance feeling like a rag doll in Jace's arms.

"You still with me buddy" he asked tipping Alec's head back to look at his face.

"Fffreezing" he shivered out, his voice a whisper.

"I know you are. I'm gonna get some help ok I promise. I just need to get these wet clothes off you and then we can start to get you warm" he assured him. He rifled one-handed through Alec's jacket pocket plucking out his phone. It was dead. Ruined by the icy water and he threw it into the snow with a frustrated grunt. Reaching out taking Alec with him he dragged his own coat over to get his own phone out. Hugging Alec to him, protectively wrapped within the circle of his arms, he searched through the contacts in his phone, peering at the numbers over Alec's shoulder and pressed dial when he came to Magnus. He shoved the phone to his ear holding it with his shoulder as it rang while he continued to removed Alec's wet jumper and t-shirt. Fortunately Magnus answered on the third ring.

"Jace" he greeted in that seductive tone he always spoke with, but Jace could immediately sense an anxiousness to his voice. He was surely wondering why Jace was ringing when he knew he was out with Alec. "Everything ok? Is Alec with you?" he questioned in quick succession before letting Jace speak.

"No and yes" he answered. "I need you to come get us now. Alec fell into the river and I think he's hypothermic". He purposely didn't mention the rest. He didn't want to say it in front of Alec.

"What happened, where are You?" he asked worry straining his voice.

"Near the Brooklyn bridge, I'll fill you in when you get here" he said, exposing Alec's bare torso to the frigid air. It was so cold he hated to do it, but it needed to be done. His own t-shirt was damp from where Alec had been leaning against him and it froze him to the bone. They were both shaking now but he ignored it. Alec needed him.

"Mmagnnus" Alec called out barely audible, stuttering around his chattering teeth.

"Shhh, it ok. He'll be here soon" Jace reassured him.

"I'll be right there. Is he ok? Where are you?" Magnus pushed and Jace wondered if he'd heard Alec asking for him. He pushed Alec forward fumbling with numb fingers to wrap his own coat around his brother. He didn't bother with the sleeves since they were wet so it wasn't great, but it was better than nothing.

"I just need to get him warm fast" he told Magnus, struggling to keep his phone from dropping away from his ear as scanned the area around him. It was darker along this stretch, away from the tourist routes. "We're east of the Brooklyn bridge quite a way up from it, where the shoreline dips. There are warehouses at the back of us". He knew Magnus wouldn't be able to portal directly to them, not knowing where they were exactly, but he could navigate from the bridge.

"There's an old brown shed on the bank. We'll be there" he said looking toward the place all this had started. "Hurry" he said letting his phone drop. He hugged Alec tight, his own shivering almost uncontrollable now, while that of his parabatai seemed to be lessening. It wasn't a good sign and likely meant Alec's body temperature was actually dropping even further.

"Let's get you inside" his said to Alec.


	3. Chapter 3

As Jace shifted Alec to stand he caught sight of his face and realised he was grimacing at the movement. He looked in pain pinching in each breath carefully, cruelly hampered by the constant shivering despite how much it had lessened, no longer wracking his body like his own were. "Alec, hey you doing ok there?" he asked.

He didn't answer making Jace worry even more. "Alec hey, come on talk to me. Don't leaving me hanging here big brother."

Alec finally responded. "It hhurts" he said breathily. Jace could hardly hear what he was saying. It seemed like a huge effort for him to talk. "when... I...breath" he finished.

It was all Jace needed to hear. In the euphoria of Alec just being alive he'd forgotten that he'd broken several of his ribs in the process. It was his fault he was in pain, but he refused to feel too guilty about it. It was better than Alec being dead, he justified to himself. Jace knew exactly the pain Alec was feeling. He'd fractured a rib or twenty in his lifetime and he knew every breath to Alec would be feeling like a sharp knife grating against his lungs.

"Lets see if we can fix that before we move shall we" he said sympathetically.

He shoved his hand into the back pocket of his jeans and pulled out his stele. He still didn't have complete control over his new angelic power so it was just easier to do it the old fashioned way. Pulling his jacket aside to expose Alec's lower abdomen he traced over the pattern of his Iratze followed by his heat rune and within a few moments Alec's face relaxed, the creases evening out as the pain began to subside. Alec looked up at him grateful.

"Why does my chest hurt?" he asked Jace quietly.

Jace wasn't prepared to answer that yet. It was too raw and hed wait until they were both feeling better before he dropped that news on him. He had no doubt Alec could handle it but he wasn't sure he himself was ready to live through that again yet while Alec still looked only half alive. Its was dark but his lips still seemed blue to Jace. He looked like death warmed up, no pun intended, he thought to himself. "Let's discuss the in's and out's of your aches and pains after we get you warm shall we?" he said lightly starting to stand again. By the angel he couldn't wait to feel warm again. How could his fingers be hurting when he couldn't even feel them.

The shed wasn't too far so he took Alec under his arms and dragged him over sitting him up against the tatty, sun bleached wall just next to the door. "Don't move" he told him softly, receiving a tired frown from his brother.

"I'm fine" he slurred. "You need to get dressed, you shouldn't be out like that. You'll freeze".

Jace rolled his eyes at Alec's logic. He sounded drunk. Typical Alec, ever the protective one even when he was the one hurt, and clearly not thinking straight. "I know that, but someone decided to fall into the Hudson during a freezing winter and shit happens unfortunately" he said kindly crouching down to tug his coat properly around Alec again as he very clumsily tried to push it off himself.

"Hey leave that on, you're freezing" he chided.

"I'm not cold" he said he voice barely a whisper, while struggling pathetically against him as he zipped the coat up with very un-nimble fingers trapping Alec's arms inside. "Jace, you need it more than me. I'm fine. You're shivering." he trailed off resting his head back looking completely exhausted, not really committing to the statement.

"Well that my dear brother is precisely the reason you're wearing it instead of me. You should be shivering like mad too" he replied getting up.

The shed was locked, so he took out his stele and quickly drew an opening rune to gain access. It was hard to see inside and he stood hugging himself for a moment, rubbing his arms to get warm before he noticed the single light bulb dangling from the ceiling. He located the switch and lit the place up squinting at the brightness as he searched for anything useful. It was half full with old boating and fishing equipment but a pile of what looked like faded yellow curtains caught his eye. Those he could use. He laid out a couple of old boat seat cushions near the wall and went to get Alec.

He was no longer sat up but had slid face down into the snow, making Jace's heart leap into his throat at the sight. "Alec. You trying to give me a heart attack?" he said sitting him back up, brushing the snow off his face. He didn't respond. "Hey, Alec come on. Open your eyes". He patted his cheek to rouse him and was finely rewarded with Alec's dark orbs. Even in this light he could see his pupils were dilated. He needed to get him warm quickly.

He hauled Alec to his feet not expecting much help and was surprised when he tried to take some of his weight. He was Shivering more vigorously too. The heat rune had probably helped. He knew Magnus would likely be here very soon but he lay him on the cushions and wrapped all the make shift blankets around him tucking them under him like a mummy. It would have been comical if not for the circumstances. The wind suddenly pushed the door to slap on the side of the shed making him jump and he realised he'd stupidly not shut it in his hurry to get Alec inside.

"Jjace, where y you going" Alec's breathy slurred voice took him by surprised. He'd seemed pretty out of It once he'd lay him down.

"It ok, I'm not leaving. Just getting the door." He moved to the doorway stretching his arm out to fumble with door but the second he crossed the threshold he felt himself wrenched by hands that came out of nowhere, taking fistfuls of his damp t-shirt and throwing him several metres away to slide face down in the snow. He didn't register the cold of the snow as it soaked into his clothes but the hard ground underneath scratched his face and elbows painfully. He felt slightly dazed, the whole thing so unexpected. He needed to get back on his game quickly. He immediately pulled himself up to face his attacker unarmed. He'd stupidly left his blade in the snow by the shed when he moved Alec. What the he'll was wrong with him tonight. The vampire was back with a wicked grin on his face.

"Back for another arse kicking vampire" he said with hate in his voice. Alec had nearly died because of him. He wanted to kill him.

"Confident words" the vampire goaded. "Just the two of us now I see and you're not looking too hot there Shadowhunter. Can't handle a bit of cold. Oh and I think you dropped something". The vampire kicked Jace's seraph blade up from the snow to clatter against the shed and land even further out of his reach.

"You think I need a weapon to end you" he said with a cocky grin, the cold temporarily forgotten.

"Ut arh" the vampire smurked shaking his finger at Jace. That would be against the accords Shadowhunter".

"Well maybe you didn't notice but you already broke the accords when you attacked a mundane, vampire" and without another moments hesitation he charged forward at unbelievable speed surprising himself given how he felt. The vampire was ready, leaping to meet him even faster and they grappled together rolling on the ground. But he caught it's right arm and wrenched it up behind its back and shoved his knee painfully between its shoulder blades. The upper hand was short lived however as the vampire easily flipped them both over elbowing Jace in the jaw and knocking him to roll away sideways. He picked himself up quickly staggering back, unsteady for a moment before he found his footing and began circling opposite the vampire as they stalked each other. He eyed his seraph blade. It was much closer to it now and he dived for it clutching for the handle. His hands still didn't feel like his own and he felt the vampire grab his legs trying to pull him back before could grab it. But he just made it and turned the blade over in his hand, whipping his leg back and kicking out making contact with the vampires chin. It inched back from him, wiping blood from its mouth with the back of its hand as Jace got to his feet his seraph blade held up ready.

"That the best you got Shadowhunter?" it snarled bearing its fangs.

"Why don't you come and find out" he said leaping forward bring the blade round in a wide arc, but his arms still felt weird from the cold and were not quite as responsive as they usually were and the vampire managed to block him. He grabbed Jace's wrist and slammed it hard against the wooden slats of the shed wall until he couldn't stop it from falling out his hand to land in the trodden snow in front of the door. He tried to bring his knee up but he was thrown to the ground, the vampire bearing over him fangs out, and he knew it was going to go for his neck. It raged down to bite him and he was pinned solidly. He couldn't stop it and his heart raced as the realisation hit. And then suddenly it stopped dead in its tracks, eyes widened looking at him in confusion. Blood began to bubble from its mouth before it slumped forward a dead weight on top him. He didn't understand and panicked, struggling to push it off him causing it to roll at his side into the snow, unmoving.

It didn't make sense - and then it did. Alec staggered back to lean against the doorway wearing just his combats, the seraph blade hanging loosely in his right hand as blood dripped off its tip to stain the white snow red. He looked terrible, deathly pale and completely disoriented. It was a miracle he'd gotten to his feet. How the hell had he?

"Thank God Alec" he breathed out in disbelief. Exhaustion and the cold of his wet clothes began to register as the adrenalin subsided and he started to shiver again. Regardless he made a move to pull himself up to help Alec. But he was too late. The blade slipped from Alec's hand as his eyes closed and he fell forward.

"Alec" he shouted urgently throwing himself up sluggishly, knowing he wouldn't get there before Alec face planted in the snow. And then, out of the blue, Alec's body stopped mid-fall completely still, and looking very unconscious. Blue waves wisped through the dark night holding Alec's body up as if he was hovering. It made Jace jump and he turned following the stream of magic to see, to his relief, the High Warlock of Brooklyn in all his glory, wearing a long fur coat stood ankle deep in the snow.


	4. Chapter 4

"Novel way to look after someone with hypothermia Shadowhunter" Magnus said not unkindly as he swooped forward toward Alec, right arm still out-stretched as blue waves of his magic suspended Alec's upright limp body, his chin resting on his chest unsupported. He withdrew his magic at the very last moment as he approached, collecting Alec under his arms, pulling him close against him. The sight of Alec's bare upper torso exposed to the elements sent a harsh chill through his own limbs and he instinctively wrapped his arms around himself as he watched Magnus tenderly pull the open sides of his long fur coat around Alec enveloping him in his warmth, seemingly protected from the freezing landscape around them. Magnus strained his head back tipping Alec's chin up to look into his unconscious face worriedly. Magnus' love for Alec was palpable and he was still on his knees in the snow watching the engaging scene, almost entranced.

"Oh Alexander" he whispered. It seemed so personal he felt like he was intruding but he couldn't look away until Magnus' commanding tone interrupted.

"Jace hurry, get your things. We need to go." He urged suddenly.

He quickly engaged his brain and stumbled to his feet as Magnus began to open a portal. Alec's weight appeared no effort to him even held to him solely by his left arm now . His own muscles felt stiff and awkward as his rose and blood from a cut on his right eyebrow threatened to drip into his eye. He brushed it away roughly, ignoring the sting and rushed to grab their soaked clothes and his blade. Alec's bow was likely long gone at the bottom of the Hudson. It would have to stay there as Magnus had already gone through and he hurried to follow him. Magnus could likely retrieve it with some spell.

The rush of warm air as he emerged into Magnus' dimly lit living room was not the instant pleasure he thought it would be and initially caused him to shiver wildly as goose bumps prickled painfully on his wet skin. Magnus was easing a completely unresponsive Alec down onto his green sofa, discarding many of the eclectic collection of cushions on the floor as he did so to make room.

"Jace, I need the comforter off our bed if you will". It was not a request.

When he returned Magnus was busy throwing sweeping waves of energy all around Alec's body, moving his arms around in slow tai chi like motions as he did. The water soaking Alec's combats drifted off like steam as the material dried and Jace could feel the warmth radiating from around Alec's body as he dumped the comforter on the end of the sofa by his feet. He moved back standing in the middle of the room watching Magnus work, not knowing how else to help, except Magnus needed to know what had happened he decided. He looked almost frantic as he healed Alec and it was probably a bad time to interrupt but he felt he had to. It might make a difference to what needed to be done.

"Magnus" he said, little more than a whisper.

Magnus didn't seemed to hear him so he cleared his throat before speaking again. "Magnus" he repeated.

His voice was perfectly audible this time and he knew Magnus was simply choosing to ignore him. He couldn't blame him. Alec looked like he was on death's door and Jace was the least of his priorities. He felt so useless just stood there. The warmth of the apartment was pleasant on his skin but had yet to penetrate deep into his frozen bones and he couldn't stop the slight trembling coursing through him.

"Jace why don't you sit down before you fall?" Magnus eventually replied sounding much calmer than he looked. But he remained standing determined now and his last attempt at gaining Magnus' attention came out like a straight up plea, his voice breaking.

"Magnus. I need to tell you something".

Magnus abruptly stopped, reacting to the change in his voice and turned to face him worriedly waiting for him to carry on. The words seemed to stick in his throat now that he had an audience and he cleared his throat again before continuing. "Magnus, when he... when he fell in the water. The current pulled him straight under the ice." He paused for a moment wishing he'd said nothing, finding it harder than he thought he would to get out. "I couldn't get to him in time. Magnus, he wasn't breathing when I pulled him out." The memory of Alecs lifeless body was so fresh in his mind and he knew his eyes looked red from more than just the cold. "I thought he was going to..." He trailed off looking at Alec. He didn't need to say it. Magnus looked liked he wanted to throw up as he processed what Jace had said looking back down at the pallid face of the most important person in his world clearly horrified at what he'd been through.

"Magnus, I broke his ribs, I...". Magnus suddenly raised his hand palm out to stop him, not taking his eyes from Alec and for a moment his heart sunk. He felt horrible. Did Magnus blame him for not having his parabatai's back? Why shouldn't he, he thought to himself. He'd been off his game since Clary had brought him back. There was something wrong with him and he was so tired from the continuous nights of broken sleep. He should have done better. Alec deserved better. But then Magnus made eye contact briefly before turning his attention back to Alec and there was no malice in his eyes, only warmth and gratitude.

"You did good Shadowhunter " Magnus said, his voice full of emotion, acknowledging his appreciation. "He'll be OK now Jace. I'll do everything in my power to make sure of it." He sat on the edge of the sofa and placed his hand on the centre of Alec's bare chest releasing healing magic from his palm, while softly stroking his damp hair with his other.

As Magnus turned away Jace blinked letting a single tear roll lazily down his cheek and he brushed it away feeling exhausted and still so cold. He sighed heavily finally pulling off his wet t-shirt and vest and dropped them without a care to the floor, snatching up the decorative tartan woollen blanket off the back of the armchair. He threw it around his shoulders sinking into the chair feeling its warmth comfort him and sat silently watching Magnus work, while trying unsuccessfully to prevent the unpleasant memories of the evening from plaguing his thoughts. He already had enough of them rolling around in his head each night.

"This will warm the blood in his heart which should circulate and raise his body temperature." Magnus said quietly. He didn't sound like he was talking to Jace but he looked up a second later giving him a reassuring glance.

He unconsciously rubbed their parabatai rune as he watched the comforting rise and fall of Alec's chest, afraid it would stop at any moment if he took his eyes away. A vintage Swiss clock on the small glass table next to him ticked the minutes away and he hadn't realised he'd closed his eyes until he felt Magnus touch his shoulder, startling him. He was stood in front of him holding a highly patterned China teacup and saucer.

"Jace, drink this. It'll help warm you up".

He took it gratefully, wincing at the sweet taste of the tea inside as he took a sip and looked past Magnus to check on Alec. Magnus had tucked the gold comforter all the way up to his chin. He looked peaceful and had a little more colour to his complexion.

"Too tired to use a healing rune?" Magnus questioned drawing his attention and indicating the gash over his eyebrow. Jace automatically raised his fingers to touch the tacky blood in response.

"Wasn't really my priority" he said yawning before resting his head back and closing his eyes again. He suddenly felt a warm tingling sensation spreading over the side of his face and jerked his eyes open to see Magnus' hand hovering close, leaving gentle wisps of blue in its path. When he withdrew it Jace checked the area again gliding his fingers over the completely unblemished skin.

"Thank you" he said feeling a bit self-conscious, but resting his head back again expecting Magnus to leave. However he seemed in no hurry to.

"How long?" Magnus asked him breaking the short silence.

"What?" He didn't understand and frowned back confused.

"How long was he gone for?"

He tensed realising what Magnus was asking. He really didn't feel like reliving the events again so soon, but he'd started it he supposed. Magnus probably needed details to stop his mind filling in the gaps with something even worse, if that were actually possible.

"I'm not really sure. Maybe fifteen minutes". He tried to keep the emotion out of his voice but failed miserably. "He was in the water at least five minutes. It was a miracle I found him. He got swept under the ice and drifted further down the river from where I was searching. I was actually about to jump in after him when I saw him surface. I honestly thought I lost him Magnus".

Magnus was looking a him with a pained expression that was heart breaking and he felt tears threatening again. "He'll be OK won't he?", he asked scrubbing his face with both hands to hide it. Obviously realising Magnus reteated and made himself look busy, feeling Alec's forehead with the back of his hand, clearly trying to control his own emotions too.

"He should be fine. He's getting warmer and he just needs to rest."

Jace may have lived in Magnus' apartment for a while, but they weren't close enough to comfort each other like they both needed. He wanted to go home to Clary and be held, but he wouldn't risk her safety. She was everything to him. He wouldn't leave Alec anyway and instead curled himself up into the chair, watching Alec again.

...

Jace didn't recognise the room at first. It was dark and the walls were filthy, the building clearly long ago abandoned. The torn drapes swayed lightly in the soft breeze that forced its way in through the large holes in the broken glass of the enormous picture window in front of him. There was something so familiar about it. He was certain he'd been here before. He turned to see a heavy oak table sat in the centre of the floor surrounded by ornate oak chairs and he locked his gaze on the back of the one nearest to him studying the family crest that adorned it. He'd recognise it anywhere.

Wayland.

He was home, back at the Wayland manor. He didn't understand. Why had he come here? He raised his hand intent on running his fingers over the shape of the carved wood, but stopped dead, dread wrenching his gut when he noticed the colour of the skin on his hand. He brought it up to his face to examine it in the sparse light but he knew already that it was stained dark red with blood. Somehow he knew it was human blood. And then he saw the floor and the bloody foot prints trailing around the side of the table. His mind told him not to look but his feet stepped forward out of his control, following the track they made on the old wooden floorboards.

He saw the red hair first. Tumbling fiery locks strewn across the dusty floor, hiding her face. He stiffened as he mind tried to deny what it was seeing, tried to create some other explanation. As in stared in horror, his heart pounding in his chest, the clatter of metal on wood made him jump and he followed the noise down to a shining dagger as it stilled on the floor where it had slipped from his hand. Blood dulled the tip of the sharp blade accusingly.

"No, this wasn't real, it wasn't happening" but he couldn't stop his hand from drawing back her hair revealing lifeless eyes. Beautiful green eyes that had once gazed at him with so much love but now saw nothing. Because of him. And then he was screaming, and screaming, and screaming


	5. Chapter 5

Jace woke with a start, his body heaving forward in response and he nearly tumbled off the small arm chair. He steadied himself, panting heavily as the horrors of the nightmare quickly faded out to reality and he remembered where he was, trying to push away the fear of himself it had ignited. Dawn was breaking sending slashes of bright orange light across the living room floor and he realised that he must have been asleep for hours for once. It was warm in the apartment and he was sweltering with the thick blanket still around him, sweaty now from the throes the dream. He shrugged it off his shoulders forgetting he had no t-shirt on.

Magnus was staring at him pensively, studying his face with great interest but didn't say a word. God he hoped he hadn't shouted or screamed out loud. He scrubbed his face pushing away the cobwebs of sleep trying not to make eye contact. Magnus was sat on the sofa with Alec's head cushioned in his lap and he looked so much better now. He felt relieved despite his racing heart, but he'd obviously disturbed him with whatever commotion he'd just made and he shifted under the comforter pulling his arm free to unconsciously find Magnus' hand. Magnus brushed his fingers lightly though Alec hair as he settled again looking peaceful.

"Why don't you take at shower Jace" Magnus suggested whispering so he didn't disturb Alec as he watched over him looking content. _Maybe he hadn't thought anything of it after all_ he thought, unable to convince himself. He certainly could use a shower. He felt disgusting from rolling about in the snow and dirt and it was the perfect excuse to avoid Magnus' scrutiny. "Yeah, OK. How's he doing" he asked Magnus as he stood.

"He's doing great, his temperatures not far off normal. He just needs to rest now. You look like you could do with some yourself" he replied accusingly. He refused to get into anything with Magnus at the moment so he made a quick exit without reacting to the comment.

The shower felt amazing and cleansing on his mind and body. The warm water and a half decent nights sleep for once seemed to dull the awful memories of the previous night and the nightmare. It was true he thought, that things were always better in the morning and Alec was going to be fine. His jumper and t-shirt were clean and neatly folded on the counter top along with a pair of his jeans that were somehow here. You had to love Magnus. He left the jumper off. He didn't need it in this oven of an appartment.

When he returned he felt much better and was surprised to see Alec was awake. He was sat up embraced in Magnus' arms, foreheads pressed intimately together as Magnus scolded him lovingly for nearly dying. "Don't to that to me again Alexander. You know I couldn't bare to live without you. I love you so much" he told him passionately, holding the sides of his face while he kissed him tenderly. Magnus pulled him further into his embrace and Alec buried his face into his neck. It seemed like the two couldn't get any closer together if they tried. He probably should have felt bad for intruding on something so personal but the feeling of pure happiness that radiated through his and Alec's bond was grounding and it felt good. Still after a moment he cleared his throat to make his presence known.

"Jace" Magnus said finally noticing him, not looking the slightest bit concerned that Jace might have seen them kissing. He didn't have chance to feel embarrassed anyway as Alec pulled away on hearing him name and immediately stood to greet him, letting the comforter fall to the sofa behind. He was unsteady on his feet and Jace had to step forward quickly to collect him into the hug. "Thank the Angel you're OK" he said relieved into Alec's shoulder squeezing him tight, feeling a little overcome by the sudden interaction. Alec had certainly tested his resolve over the last twelve hours.

"I'm fine" Alec reassured him.

Magnus settled back in the chair no longer worried that Alec was going to fall and after a few moments clasped his hands together and piped up "OK, who's for breakfast".

...

The array of breakfast food was impressive, conjured up or 'borrowed' as Magnus had put it from a diner across town and some fancy restaurant Magnus had been to several times. Jace hadn't really felt like eating recently and had taken to picking at his food, but he felt starving this morning and had already wolfed down 5 pancakes, eggs and bacon and had no immediate plans to stop. It was pleasant sat at Magnus' round dining table basked in the warm winter sun that streamed in through the large window next to them. Alec on the other hand hadn't eaten much despite Magnus' encouragement and concerned glances, but he was doing well in Jace's opinion considering he'd been technically dead only 8 hours before. He still looked tired and a little pale, and had mostly withdrawn from the conversation since their enthusiastic start to breakfast.

"Anybody want more orange juice" he asked suddenly rising from his chair about to head to the kitchen. Magnus made to followed.

"Alec sit down, I can get it. You're still recovering."

"Magnus I'm fine, you don't need to fuss. I can get it myself" Alec said trying to reassure him, but Jace was on Magnus' side with this. Alec wasn't yet exactly looking the picture of health. He looked like he shouldn't be up. Still Magnus acquiesced and let him go watching him as he left. Jace was about to tuck into his sixth pancake when he was interrupted.

"So, are you going to tell me what was disturbing your sleep so badly this morning" Magnus said, keeping his voice purposely low. Jace lifted his gaze to meet Magnus' stare, narrowing his eyes in contemplation. He'd been waiting for this to come. His breakfast rolled about inside his gut and he no longer wanted the pancake. He dropped his fork down to chink loudly on the plate and pushed the remains of his breakfast away as he settled back in his chair. He'd have to tell him something.

"It was nothing" he lied. "Just a bad dream" he said, his tone warning not to push. Magnus maintained eye contact for what seemed like an eternity, but then relaxed back taking a sip of his coffee. He relaxed too thinking it was over.

"Look Jace you don't have to tell me anything. I really don't care if you do. But if you keep something from Alec that hurts him later. Then I might. He's not blind Jace. He knows somethings wrong. Believe me if there's anything I've learnt from the last few months, its that honesty and trust is everything. Your his parabatai Jace. He deserves to know. More importantly he needs to know. If you hurt, he hurts." That's wasn't exactly true in this case Jace thought, but he got Magnus' point. He certainly knew how to make you feel guilty.

"It's just, since the lake, since my Father" he replied mentally slapping himself for the slip up. "Since Valentine" he corrected, raised the angel, I feel like I don't know myself anymore. Everything's falling apart and I don't know how to stop it. How can I explain it to him when I don't understand it myself" he said feeling exasperated as the calm exterior that he'd built up to hide his inner turmoil finally started to crack. Magnus looked confused. He wanted to yell at him, to tell him he was terrified of himself, but he couldn't. He just wanted everything to be OK.

"Jace" Magnus clasped his hand on top of his surprising him, breaking him from his spiralling inner anxiety.

"Just try. You may think you're protecting him, but these things have a way of coming back and biting you in the derriere. Trust me". He let Jace's hand go and he pulled it into his lap protectively. He felt uncomfortable, because he knew Magnus was right. But how could he tell Alec he'd lied. He'd thought it would hurt him less if he didn't know and he'd been afraid of what people would think of him. That they would think him an abomination. You didn't bring people back. You just didn't. There were always consequences. But they were only dreams after all. He'd never actually hurt anyone he loved. Would he? How many times had He asked himself that question. Could he trust himself anymore? But he couldn't continue like this.

He sighed in defeat. He'd speak to Alec when he was back to full health he thought, only Magnus had other ideas. He nodded his head toward the kitchen and Alec.

"What?" he said not comprehending.

"Go speak to him" he replied.

"What, now?"

"No time like the present Shadowhunter" he said picking his coffee up and smiling to himself looking pleased. Jace rolled his eyes at him, but scraped his chair back and headed for the kitchen nervously.

...

Alec was stood leaning against the kitchen sink with his hands on the edge of the worktop and his head bowed low. He looked like he was contemplating something. No time like the present he thought nervously echoing Magnus' words, rubbing his sweaty palms on his jeans. However as he walked up to stand next to him he could see that Alec wasnt just thinking. In fact it was far from the truth. Alec's eyes were closed and he was concentrating hard on his breathing. He dragged in each lungful of air, in quietly controlled gasps, the effort obvious and tiny beads of sweat had broken out on his forehead. Something wasn't right.

"Alec, hey. You OK" he asked placing a hand on his shoulder. He didn't answer making Jace's more nervous than he already was. After a moment Alec turned and slid his back down the front of the unit to sit on the floor, knees bent, his chest heaving in deep rapid breaths now, his control lost. Concerned, Jace crouched down in front of him, hands on both of Alec's knees trying to read his face. "Alec, come on talk to me" he said softly, "what's wrong?"

Finally Alec spoke and opened his eyes to meet Jace's worried face. "I...can't... breath."


	6. Chapter 6

"I...can't... breath." Alec said raggedly, each word puntuated by a shallow gasp as he forced them out and the effort looked draining. Jace didn't understand, Alec had been ok, he was feeling better. Why was this happening now he thought desperately shouting for help.

"Magnus."

The situation escalated quickly when Alec started to panic more and more as he struggled to catch his breath and he sat forward grabbing fistfuls of Jace's t-shirt like it was a lifeline and would somehow would help. He was scared. Jace's could see it in his eyes. "Alec, just try to relax, breath in, nice and slow. Deep breaths."

"Magnus" he shouted again although he'd given him almost no time to respond. The warlock however was already bolting through the kitchen door and soon crouched down to join them. He lifted Alec's chin to look at him, trying to get him to focus on him.

"Magnus he can't breath" Jace informed him, stating the obvious. He was panicking himself. Alec's face had lost all its colour again and he was audibly wheezing now as he gasped in each breath.

"Darling I know it's difficult but please try to calm down for me. I'm going to help you ok, but it's going to feel worse if you panic". Jace imagined that was easier said than done. Alec leaned back though, letting go of Jace's t-shirt, clearly attempting to do as Magnus had asked, but there were tears in his eyes as he continued to fight for every breath. He hated seeing him like this and would have gladly taken his place if he could.

"That's it Alexander, you're doing good" Magnus reassured placing his hand on Alec's chest over his black sweater and releasing healing blue waves of magic as he had done the night before. He took Alec's trembling left hand in his free one maintaining eye contact throughout, talking to Alec continually. "That's it just breath with me, in and out, in and out. Your doing great." Jace could only watch as his heart tried to beat its way out of his chest, but Magnus appeared to remain calm forcing Alec to do the same, breathing together, never losing focus. To Jace it felt like an age before Alec's urgent raspy breaths settled to an acceptable pant and Magnus removed his hand.

Jace let himself sit down on the kitchen floor finally able to relax. "What the he'll was that" he asked still worried. It seemed to have come so out of the blue, though now he thought about it Alec had gone fairly quiet at the table, but he'd just thought he was getting tired. Why didn't he say something to them if he was feeling worse. That was Shadowhunters for you though, too proud.

"That was secondary drowning" Magnus said, not taking his eyes off Alec. "Nasty little bugger that makes you suffocate on fluid that has quickly built up in your lungs often hours after the initial event. I've heard of it happening but never actually seen it" he said, but the sickening look that appeared on Alec's face clearly had him regretting the explanation immediately.

"Drowning?" he whispered. He looked confused frowning like he didn't understand. He was starting to breath faster again, starting to panic. "I drowned?"

"Alec hey just relax, you're OK now." Jace said to him.

"Alec my love you need to keep your breathing slow." Magnus urged. "We'll talk about it later." He looked a little guilty.

"No Magnus. Tell me what happened. I want to know?" he demanded breathily, still finding it a bit of an effort to get his words out. Jace shared a look with Magnus and sighed. They'd spoken about the river while eating breakfast but Alec hadn't membered much. He vaguely recollected killing the vampire, but his memories were sketchy and neither he or Magnus had felt the need to go into any detail while Alec still was looking far from one hundred percent. It seemed they had no choice now.

"Alec, when you fell through the ice, I'm really sorry but I couldn't get you out straight away. You just went straight under. Under the ice." He said the last part quietly hoping that it would stop Alec's mind recreating the horrific thought of being trapped under the icy surface, unable to break through to breath, as he himself was already doing. "You were only in there a few minutes before I managed to pull you out." He added quickly, like it some how made it all seem less dramatic and he had to force himself to continue hating the pained look in Alec's eyes. "But you must have inhaled some of the water and you weren't breathing for a few minutes." He stopped talking after that. He refused to go into detail about the rest.

No one said anything for a minute letting Alec deal and eventually he sighed deeply, pushing his fingers through his hair leaving it stuck up in all directions, but he seemed calmer. "You resuscitated me?" he questioned quietly looking at Jace while subconsciously rubbing his chest and Jace wondered if it still hurt, feeling a tiny bit guilty too.

"Yeah" was all he could say, feeling tears well up, but Alec suddenly reached out and took his hand looking grateful.

"So you kissed me and I missed it" Alec said barely more than a whisper, giving Jace a slightly sad but reassuring smile.

"You could say that, I sppose" he replied, smiling himself.

"Your fine now darling, I promise" Magnus said brushing his hair back from his face and taking his other hand. Alec looked totally exhausted sat there, head lazing against the kitchen unit, all his remaiing energy sapped from him in the last few minutes.

"How about we get you to bed" Magnus offered. "You look like you could sleep for a week." Jace could get on board with that. He felt the same way too, though he doubted he'd get much.

"The sofa's fine. I don't really want to be alone" he admitted. Jace doubted Magnus would have left him alone for a minute after what had just happened, but he understood.

"Sofa it is then" Magnus replied.

...

They'd sat on Magnus' sofa almost all day watching mundane television. Jace wouldn't tell anyone, especially not Simon, but he had actually enjoyed most of it. He'd never really watched it before. He'd texted Clary and Isabelle to tell them they were still at Magnus' and that he'd be home later, though he hadn't actually decided on that yet since that would mean seeing Clary and that scared him. Alec had slept through most of the day and was a heavy weight against either his or Magnus' shoulder, but Jace hadn't minded. Alec had refused to lie down for some reason and Jace suspected that he found it harder to breath when he did but by the evening he was looking like some semblance of himself again which Jace was very happy about. Except that now Magnus had left them alone. He'd given them some excuse about a replenishing potion for Alec, but they both knew he was giving them chance to talk in private. They sat in silence still watching tv, and it was Alec who was the first to break it.

"Jace?"

"Yeah" he said not looking at him. He really didn't want to do this.

"When I wasn't breathing?" He swallowed before continuing, the words clearly distasteful in his mouth. "What did it feel like for you? Could you sense it...through our rune?" He asked. Jace knew exactly where this was leading and he thought about lying for a minute. But he looked into his eyes and couldn't. Alec was watching him intently waiting for a reply.

He cleared his throat before talking, delaying for just one more moment. "Erh yeah, yeah I could." He paused breifly before adding "It was burning. It hurt and it was the worst feeling I'd ever experienced. I could feel you slipping." His voice was husky from talking little throughout the day and he let Alec digest the information for a minute. However once he felt Alec gaze fix on him again, he knew he could no longer postpone the conversation he'd been dreading for weeks.

"What happened at the lake Jace? I know what I felt and I know there's more than you're telling me."

He didn't want to answer so he rubbed at his temples, at the headache that had sprang out of nowhere and he suddenly felt like he was going to cry. He held his palm to his forehead battling to contain his emotions and pushing back at the growing ache. He'd bottled everything up deep inside for weeks now, trying get through it alone and it suddenly wanted out. Tears stung his eyes and he frowned against them willing them away, as he felt Alec take hold of his wrist but he didn't try to pull Jace's hand away from his face. He let him hide behind it for a few more moments giving him the time he needed.

"Jace, whatever happened. You can tell me."

He breathed heavily and finally decided to let the truth go. "He killed me" he said quietly he voiced wavering.

"What" Alec replied like he thought he'd misheard, disbelieving despite what he'd obviously felt when it happened.

He couldn't stop the tears now as they tracked down his face threatening to overcome him. "My father" he said. "He killed me." It came out as a sob and Alec drew him in desperately holding him, his own eyes wet too. "He was waiting for us at the lake and when I turned he was there and his knife was in me. Straight into my heart. There was nothing I could do Alec, nothing anyone could do." He said nothing for a minute letting the tears fall. "How could he do that to me? He didn't love me at all." Alec rocked him as he sobbed, his body shaking with them. "Clary" he said sucking in air no longer able to breath through his nose, "she could have had anything, but she chose me. She chose to save me. She made Raziel bring me back. It was a mistake Alec."

"No, it wasn't." Alec said pulling back, taking his face in his hands, making him look directly into his eyes. "It wasn't a mistake. I felt you die Jace and I felt like I was dying too. Feeling you gone, feeling nothing. That was the worst thing I've ever been through too and I don't know if I could have survived it if you hadn't come back".

"Alec you don't understand. There's something wrong with me. You're not supposed to come back. There's always something wrong."

"Jace this was different. It was the angel who brought you back."

"No its not. There something wrong with me. I can't sleep and I so tired and all I want to do is hold her, but I so afraid of myself."

"Jace, whats going. Tell me whats happening." Alec urged more forcefully. "Whatever it is it's OK. We'll make it OK."

He brushed the tears from his face looking down playing with his fingers. He couldn't look at Alec anymore. "Its not OK. He paused again before continuing, wondering what Alec would think of him. "Every night I dream I hurt her or I kill her and there's so much blood and I hate myself so much" he said breaking again, more tears falling. "How can I think things like that. I'm sick Alec. I'm evil."

"Jace I know you as well as I know myself. We're parabatai. You would never hurt her and you're not evil. They're just dreams Jace. There not real. You've been so consumed with assuming there will be consequences to being alive that your mind is probably working overtime. It doesn't matter, whatever the reason for them, we'll sort it. We'll fix it."

"And what if we can't. What if I'm not me anymore and there's no fixing me. You don't feel it do you? When I have the nightmares, when I'm terrified, when im afraid of myself and want to die because of what I've done. You don't feel it it do you?" Alec looked so sad for a moment and he shook his head. Jace let out a laugh that turned into a sob. He'd suspected it but to hear Alec say it was more painful than he thought it would be and proof that there was something seriously wrong. But then Alec's expression changed and he looked resolute.

"It doesn't mean anything Jace. I still feel everything else and I can still feel you" he said touching Jace's heart. I can feel your soul and it's pure." A single tear ran down Alec's cheek but he didn't look sad. " Tell me you can't feel mine, that you wouldn't know if I was anything less than me? It's pure Jace and it feels the same to me as it always has. If there is something going on, whatever it is, it not from you. I know it to be the truth Jace." He scrubbed his face as fresh tears fell and he nodded letting himself be convinced that Alec was right. He could feel Alec's soul too and he would know if there was even a speck of something not good in it. Alec pulled him to him again holding him tight.

"We do everything together Jace. We'll always get through it, but only together." He felt their connection strong and he just sat there in Alec's arms letting it calm him, feeling the most at peace he had in weeks.

"I'm sorry Alec. I should have told you at the lake, but I was so scared of what it meant". Alec held him tighter.

"None of that matters now. We'll both be OK. I'll do everything in my power to make sure of it. And Magnus will help too" he said pulling away smiling. "He's pretty badass when he needs to be."

Jace laughed at that and it felt good. "Yeah he is" he agreed.

"Why dont you stay here tonight, and tomorrow we'll figure it out." Alec suggested. It had been a long day and he wanted to, but he'd made up his mind suddenly. Alec was right. He couldn't hide from this anymore. Alec was OK and he was going to go home and face Clary, tell her everything. He longed to be with her and maybe if he told her, it truly would OK. It would all be OK now. Wouldn't it.

 **The end**


End file.
